Skip to main content

just another patient...



"How did you feel this week. Anxious

Why did you feel anxious. I have anxiety

What caused your anxiety. I don’t know

Can you think of anything?"


At this point I will be thinking of things to make up because I didn’t have an answer to my anxiety. I didn’t understand the feeling. I felt like I was being quizzed, tested. I needed a reason. I needed to explain to my only hope of help why I felt this. I didn’t know why.

So i’ll go through the week in my mind and try think of anything relatable to have an answer for her. An answer to the unexplainable. I don’t understand why my chest feels heavy, my throat feels tight, my palms sweat and my breath feels incomplete. I couldn’t explain why I was feeling this way. If I could I wouldn’t need to be just another sick patient contributing to your pay check.


I came to you with the hope you’d make this unexplainable feeling and emotion disappear. You helped me find the root of the problem, but I need a solution. A solution nobody has. I feel so out of control of my emotions. I have spent years on the Internet trying to find a solution to this problem, instead i find solutions to the feelings. How to deal with this? How to calm this down? I don't want to know how to calm or deal with this. I just want to make it stop.


Its not just the emotional feeling, its the physical feeling too. It stops you from living your everyday life. I just want to feel like normal people feel. I can’t imagine anything better. I want to go out and drink without the side effects of anxiety. I just want to feel ok.


I wish I could explain why I woke up one day feeling like this and never got better. I wish I could explain why my mind turns to panic at certain, foods alcohol and situations. Maybe if I could explain it I wouldn't need your help.


As an explanation could possibly be the start of a solution to this prison.


I just don’t fucking feel ok. Stop trying to get an answer that matches your research. An answer that will make you feel like you've done your job. Its not how we work.

Your's truly,
a patient that didn't get better.






























Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

anxiety. 1

Anxiety feels like fear, when there's nothing to be scared off. Feels like you need to throw up when there's nothing making  you feel sick. The feeling like you can’t control your breath, like every breath you take is getting shorter. Like the air is running out. You can hear your heart beating and feel your hands sweating. Feels like you're stuck inside your own head and can’t escape  the feeling of feeling like something bad is going to happen.  Every ambulance, every police car you hear, you wonder if it’s someone you love, when you can feel an anxiety attack come you can’t concentrate on what people are saying, because you’re trying so hard to focus on making it stop, when someone is talking to you, your staring at them in the face, but have no idea what they just said, because all you can hear is a blur of their words and your heartbeat. Your breath.  You feel like you can’t escape, you’re trapped in this world of fear and anxiety. It seems like it will never e...
Post a Comment
Read more